Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Uncertainty ??
Uncertainty.. many things have been goin thru within my family.. y is this happenin.. can i blame anyone?
these few days since last week i have been accompanying my mum to the many doctors.. i can say we hav been to the doc together for many times i think 4 within 5 days.. her health is
deteriorating.. n all i could do is onli to accompany here n there.. there isnt much i cant do rite..
these few days my mum have been talkin to mi.. sort of pourin her sorrows to mi.. i reali dun mind.. actuali im happy that she did it.. cos at least by talkin it out it is a way for her to vent her
frustration, her fears n everything.. can u imagine ya mum cryin as she speaks out n that for many times i juz hav to turn myself or hide under some blanket so tat i wun hav to see it.. it is reali painful to see tat sight.. Real Painful..
yesterday she visit our family doc.. n the doctor gav her a ver serious look cos of my mum's
condition.. she say was suspectin from the condition tat she is in now.. the doc fear tat if the
situation persist.. my mum may go into a depression.. my mum noe tat im scare.. i did cover up my emotions.. i didnt wan to show her.. i wan to be there for her.. on monday.. the day where she cried in front of mi.. we both had a long n warming heartfelt talk.. this talk was about 2-3 hours.. i believe after i let her express wat she wan to.. she reali did cool down.. at least she dun hav to keep it to herself.. we chat about her past my history.. almost everything was covered.. emotionally i think this few days we are closer le.. i told her tat i hav quite different thinkin to many things.. my friends n i some how hav reali different mentality to many stuff.. then she fear tat i was under her influence.. but i calm her down sayin tat this mentality of mine is already formed since i get of stuff.. i think mayb during pri sch ba.. as years go by for mi.. the strange personality of mine slowly then reveal.. n its onli until now then i notice in many ways im similar to my mum's thinking.. n tat i believe tat simplity is the best..
actuali my mum told mi tat my dad didnt reali give her the sense of security tat she wan.. the
thought of divorce is actuali in her mind since in their early years of marriage.. n that when
problem arises.. my father will not side her.. he will side his family.. frankly speakin not tat im
badmouthin my relatives.. they didnt give us their due respect.. when in problem or they need
help.. they will for sure call my dad.. but whenever they hav good news to enjoy.. we are normali the last know.. that y until now.. ever since my dad come into contact with his family.. my mum n my dad hav been quarrelin.. countin the duration.. i think it hav been years le.. still can recall one of the most serious one is when i was in kindergarten.. they were busy quarrelin n my younger sis n i were hidin behind my mum back.. they were busy throwin stuff around.. this was quite a vivid image in my mind when i was chattin with my mum.. n recently durin the new year period.. i am the middleperson btw my mum n my dad.. can u imagine the spot im in? n that time we are suppose to hav reunion dinner.. n i thought we will miss our reunion dinner.. for the 1st time.. we hav our dinner at seoul garden.. n tat time the outlet was near closin time.. haha.. but i think we little ones manage to let our parents talk to each other for the 1st time.. isnt an easy job.. expectin us who oso affected by them to make the spirit high.. sad..
this mornin.. i wrote is on notepad.. my mum walk past mi askin mi wat im doin in front of
Darling.. i couldnt tell her im typin my thoughts.. so i told her my pet phrase ' i don't know'.. then her reply was.. u are busyin typin yet u dun noe wat u are typin.. then i thought about it.. i told her that im typin out wat i rmb for one of the subjects..
then we went for our breakfast n lunch at sunplaza.. return some library books.. n then i accompany her to the 'Relax Room'.. its a shop where we can enjoy foot reflexology n head/ shoulder/ lower back massage.. i was in there.. n indeed the store was in a relax condition tat im feel like sleeping.. haha.. can see tat the therapy was indeed helpful as the skilful massager help my mum relax her mind.. the next session will be on fri @ 2pm..
So i haven been studyin cos i cant concentrate n that i noe im laggin behind schedule.. with so
many thing goin on.. hard to focus.. but i believe i can make it de.. afterall they say under adverse conditions will the person be trained to be a better one.. mayb i can be one.. haha.. jokin onli la.. n finali tat (i think) will come to an end.. i can seriously get myself back to the momentum of studyin for my exams.. if not i will not have the time le..
gettin of the journal cos my dad has reached home.. i think im goin to bed.. nites..
(i suppose i will end up postin this..)
Jia You.. ..
Signin off at 26 Oct
Sally
Name : S@lly